Day 32: Nobody tells you about the fear.

There are moments when I am overcome with an intense deep-seated fear that my baby, my tiny precious baby, will die. There are no shortage of reminders of this possibility... the news cycle suddenly just seemed to fill with babies inexplicably dying of SIDs. Should I buy the sock that monitors her oxygen levels? The pad she can sleep on that keeps track of her movement? The monitors that give me real time updates of temperature in her room? Nobody ever told me about this terrible fear. So how do we manage? For me, step one is to notice those fears and accept them. I am really scared right now. That's okay. That's normal. And as if I am talking to a friend, I say to myself, "I'm sorry you're having a hard time. That sucks." Step two is to look critically at that fear... Is it realistic? Do I benefit from that worry? Perhaps there are times when the fear is useful feedback. It may act as a good reminder to make sure the pillows and blankets are at a safe distance if we decide to co-sleep one night. Sometimes the fear is not useful, and I just acknowledge it anyway, and then breathe. My fear tends to live in my throat, an agonizing squeezing. Whenever I feel that physical tightening in the throat arise, I breath deeply into the place of tightness, and then exhale deeply, imaging the breath scooping up that fear and releasing it through the exhale. Sometimes, in just three breaths, I start to feel less panicky and more grounded.

Notice where your fear hangs out in my body. Know that it is useful information for you to decide how to use. Invite breath into that place and imagine it opening up the constricted area(s) until the feeling subsides on its own accord. And it will.