Day 54: "You’re doing everything exactly right"

Anyone else wince when they read this? Pull up an infinite list of all the ways they’ve potentially failed their child in the first 8 weeks of life?

I let her fall asleep on me regularly, sometimes even at night in bed. I only bath her every couple of days. I leave her in her chair to entertain herself while I'm trying to get work done. I am often second guessing if I am doing it "right."

But Molly, a new friend of mine, surprised me one day as we were discussing motherhood. She said, "I like to remind myself that I'm doing everything exactly right."

Woah. So bold. Everything? Exactly? How can you know?

After my initial gut reaction and amazement at her self assurance, I started to sit with this idea. What would it mean to believe that? Could I get myself there?

I started by dissecting this idea. There is so much information about the "right" way to parent out there. One could justify nearly any choice, within reason, and so we become overwhelmed. The Paradox of Choice suggests that the more choices we have, the more unhappy we are, because our uncertainty leads to indecision and doubt. Perhaps, then, we are making ourselves unhappy believing we just need to figure out what's "right," when there will never be a clearcut answer. Perhaps there are just choices we make, to the best of our ability, that have different consequences, some foreseeable, and others not.

The dictionary defines "right" as "morally good, justified, or acceptable."

So, if we apply these ideas to Molly's thoughts, then what it means to parent "right" is not that it is perfect, but that that we make a decision to the best of our abilities, with the information we have, and the intention of doing the least harm and most good for our kiddos. This seems to fit that definition of morally good.

After a few weeks of turning this over, I went back to Molly to hear her take. She shared, "When I slow down and tune into myself and my kids, and trust myself as a mother, and do what feels right, I feel so much lighter and more connected and joyful." She said that it was especially helpful when things are stressful to avoid "should-ing" herself, and keep coming back to this phrase. "I am doing everything exactly right."

I love that Molly owns this mantra and uses it to help her care for herself through unsolvable wonders of parenting. It challenges me to mother from a place of confidence, rather than doubt.

So can you find a mantra for yourself that reminds you of your own wisdom and goodness, and helps you feel settled with your choices? You can borrow hers, or make up your own. Whenever things get tough, remind yourself, you're doing it right.