Day 55: Mindful Communcation

When it comes to raising a kiddo, communication between partners can become a tad, shall we say, frayed. Sleep deprivation, frustration, and insecurity can all create a perfect storm that comes barreling out of your mouth when your partner innocently asks, "What would you like to do for dinner?"

"YOU FIGURE IT OUT!"

Oops.

The idea of moderating our responses to our partners, or other co-caregivers, on top of those to our baby can feel quite challenging. I have to be patient and kind and loving to you too?

Yeah... yeah we do.

But how?

1. Mind the pause.

You don't have to respond to everything immediately. Take a few breaths, or even ask for some time before you answer if you aren't ready to do so from a place of compassion.

2. Ask yourself:

"Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?"

There's so much distorted thinking that can happen when you are under stress. These questions can help clarify if you really want the thing that's about to come out of your mouth to emerge, or if you can say it differently in a way that your partner can hear without feeling hurt and defensive.

3. Name and own the feelings. You can do this just in your own mind, or share them with your partner.

This was what I said to my husband just a few mornings ago: " I am angry at you right now because I'm not sleeping and you get to. I know it's not your fault, and you're wonderful and supportive, and it's irrational. I'm sorry."

It helped saying it out loud to get us on the same page, and acknowledge they were my own feelings to navigate, rather than have it slip out passive aggressively throughout the day.

3. Don't be afraid to apologize.

We are inevitably going to say things "ungracefully" to our partners. There's no way around it. Back when I was a classroom teacher, I remember learning that it's actually not damaging to relationships to have these moments of tension with people, if we can come back and process them together at a later point. This processing can actually strengthen the bond. We may feel like we shouldn't have to apologize because we are obviously under tremendous stress, but if you value those relationships, it's worth dropping the ego and doing the work when you're in a place that you can handle it.

This upfront attention to the way we share and listen to others ultimately will serve us by creating stronger bonds in our lives, bonds that we desperately need right now in the face of this challenging period.