Day 62: Be Good, Baby.

I was excited to show off my new baby to some of my mindfulness colleagues and brought her to a monthly meeting. She was still sleeping when we arrived, and everyone fawned over her sweetness. I swelled with pride. She slept peacefully while we sat together for fifteen minutes, then she awoke from her slumber and peered around. I happily handed her over to one of the gentle mamas of the group, who had two teenage daughters of her own. Promptly, she started to fuss. By the time she was back in my arms, she was crying. And she didn’t really stop for the rest of the meeting.

I bounced her, changed her, fed her, sang to her, but none of it seemed to soothe. My cheeks turned red as I fumbled around, wishing my baby would just be an easy-going baby. I wanted them to see how wonderful and lovely she was, not how cranky and antisocial she could be. I wanted her to be good.

It is so normal to identify with our child, and blame ourselves for any behavior we deem unpleasant. We can fall into the trap of seeing their behavior as a reflection on how good we are at parenting.

Of course, a baby is neither good nor bad. They are just being a baby, expressing their feelings and asking for help navigating this world. And their temperament, especially at this age, has little to do with how well we parent.

Mindfulness invites us to practice non-identification. This means we do not tie our sense of self to any thoughts or emotions that we experience. When we apply this to mommy-ing, we practice not interpreting our baby’s behavior as a sign of our incompetence as parents. Simply put, “My baby crying does not make me a bad mom.”

Remind yourself of that when you notice your embarrassment arise. You're baby's unhappiness when learning to negotiate this complex and confusing world is not a reflection on your goodness or worth as a parent. Really, it's not.