Day 63: Find a Deep Listener

Despite being fundamental to our existence, effective communication turns out to be an incredibly challenging process. And listening— deep, active listening— is not intuitive to most folks. I didn't even realize how badly I craved this in my life until I was reflecting on how much I love my friend Ankati's visits.

Oftentimes, once we have a baby, we negotiate the world child-first. When friends come over, people immediately greet her, fawn over her, and try to make her laugh. Eventually they remember you, the mama, and offer a side hug and a quick, "How are you?" before going back into baby world. No blame here, I do the same, coming home and engaging with the baby before I even lock eyes with my husband, when I'm not being mindful.

But I also have recognized that I need acknowledgment and love too.

In comes Ankati, who gives me long, deep hugs. When I speak, she listens carefully and asks follow up questions that allow us to delve deeper into whatever is up. And there is plenty up, in the world of shifting identities and balancing life with a new baby. There is plenty that I am grappling with, and I need someone in my life to be fully present with me. She showers love on my baby, yes, but she does it second to me.

Find those nourishing relationships in which you have tons of space to share authentically and dig into it. If you don't have someone for whom that comes naturally, ask for it explicitly. "Right now, I really need someone to listen, without judgement, without comparison, without distraction. Could you do that for me?" When people realize that's what you want, they are often happy to give it to you.

And see how good it feels. 'Cuz being seen in this way feels so dang good.

Deep gratitude to you, my friend.