Day 67: Drying Up

I have been pumping since week four, and a struggle with oversupply meant that I had no problem filling my Medela bottles with liquid gold (though it did mean I was constantly choking the babe and dealing with the nursing consequences). However, all of the sudden, my supply tanked. I went from Niagara Falls to the Mojave Desert in just a few days. It seemed my pump was only effective if I was bursting forth, but not a good to the last drop kind of machine. And I needed every last drop to give her a full bottle each day so that when we start daycare, she is comfortable with this method of feeding.

There were physical things I did to help with this situation: drink more water, feed more often, pump more often, buy a new pump (mine was 3 years old and gifted from a friend), consider herbal supplements. But there was also a real mental component to this game, and it functioned on two levels.

One was that I needed to be at ease when pumping. I needed to set my computer aside, which I had come into the habit of sitting in front of when pumping, close my eyes, and concentrate.

I concentrated on the the feeling of the suction and on my let down. I imagined my baby with me, feeding, instead of the mechanical pull of the machine. I kept my mind focused on the task at hand.

And I practiced self compassion. I noticed the thoughts, “you are supposed to exclusively breastfeed until 6 months,” and the ensuing waves of panic as I dripped a measly ounce or two into the bottle. I acknowledged that this was scary and sad AND okay. I reminded myself I was truly doing the best I could, and my baby would be fine (I was exclusively formula fed and turned out okay, after all), despite the scare tactics out there.

There are going to be things out of our control, as parents, that we feel responsible for. But all we can do is the best we can do, and then we need to give ourselves a little hug inside for that effort and for comfort when we cannot give what we think we should.

So the next time you are beating yourself up, do the part you can do with your full attention and self, and then give yourself a tight squeeze for the part you can't control.