Day 73: You'll Never Be the Parent You Thought You'd Be...

..And that’s just fine. I would say I spent much of my pregnancy imagining myself as a level-headed even-keeled kind of parent who would just roll with the punches and accept my daughter just as she was. I imagined my work in schools and practice of mindfulness would protect me from being swept up into the emotional turmoil I had witnessed in others. I was a reasonable, rational being, after all. I was reflective and intentional in my actions.

But ever since my incredibly difficult labor, in which my child refused delivery for forty two hours and insisted on being backwards for almost the entirety of this time, I have been swept up. Instead of the beautiful birth I imagined, modeled on the centered mamas who grunted gently through their pain in the doula videos, I screamed at the top of my lungs. For hours. I nearly choked myself with worry driving through a snowstorm with the baby in the back of the car, imagining and reimagining what it would mean to crash and lose her. I have read all the articles on breastfeeding and obsessed over how to deal with my milk production issues.

I was wholly unprepared for the intensity of emotions one gets to experience as a new parent, and so all my visions of chill, zen mama have gone out the window. In its place has come a more authentic experience of myself, as someone who feels deeply. Instead of trying to be the parent I imagined I would be, I should be, I have given into the grace of being exactly how I am.

That does not mean I eschew the work it takes to live in alignment with my fundamental values. No, I find myself working harder than ever to do this. It means that while I do the work, I let go of needing to already be there. I work to accept all the crazed thoughts and wild emotions that arise in motherhood. I give myself lots of love and forgiveness.

Be the parent you are with your whole heart, and don’t worry about that parent you thought you’d be.